In the middle of a night🤔

People, places and almost everything looks to be scattered, so much so that I wake up in the middle of this night to write down this piece of blog article. 

And as I understand, this is for sure bothering me for real; no, not writing this article but this unusual habit I have now of suddenly waking up from my sleep and jumping into a pool of thoughts coming in from in-between of anywhere and everywhere.

Okay, this might sound like a retard activity but right now there is an abundance of confusion in and and around me. Enough to make me as bemused as I could have ever be. 

To be true its difficult to word it out or explain this awkwardness. At once, I want it all & fight for all of it by myself. Also, at all other times; just want to let life happen the way it should. 
Rather I want to SCREAM at the top of a hill, CRY my heart out, KICK-OUT some serious stuff, LAUGH like never before, RUN endlessly... runaway from everything around; thinking that then I will never have to think of things the way I do. But that certainly is just not true.

Oh! But then things at my end certainly refrain to happen the way it was planned or wished for, leaving me with all the confusions and adversities to be dealt around. 

And I realize writing it all this way doesn't help any further, yet i am writing it down :P anyway. Also am aware that doing it this way simply adds to the set of confusions I already have over several bits existing around. 

Being sort of an optimist makes me think, that there definitely is a sense of assertive possibility in every way stated in this existence, yet the possibility that is expected or understood shall never take place in reality (in my case for sure). There is yet another angle to the situation which is not that it was never anticipated. It is probably that things and situations are more often anticipated just the way it should not happen than what should happen. 

Its like the way its said, "if want something you simply ask for it and let it be." Though what is actually done in most of the scenarios is totally opposite. Certainly, when and how it will not get to you is thought about a lot more times than how one could get to it. Guess, this where the basis of  'law of attraction' phenomena exists. 

Its in-between the wants and needs where all the fuss of the situation remains to be now and since forever. Choosing what is needed over the wants is not as easy as thought about. And as a matter of fact not many options available for me to act upon the current situation to let me play the hero part and have a make-n-break or bring-revolution-over-evolution kinds stories. Instead all of it is just beyond my capacity for me to handle it for myself. Also maybe i am too bored and reluctant to act anyway. 

And that certainly brings happy realization moment for me that-  I no more want and need anything beyond the realm of my own capacity. 

Usually the times when I am broke, I choose not to write but doing it this time is helping me look at the neutral side of the story. Guess making it an exception today has helped. 

For once and for all, being hopeful is the last bit of the thing I want to do where am wishing things to just happen where no fight is needed- in real and in my head. Like the feeling you get when i am saying it out loud to myself that “let it be, just don’t let it go”.

Today, all i need to do is be on the same page of reality as it is. Let the dirth walk away and make some room for myself to be and let this pass out without having much to do about it. Cause when given a choice, choose what is needed to be done is feasible over what is wanted to be done. Otherwise its just all much ado about nothing.

P.S.- Dear reader- I know it was way too random, and even if you can't understand the head or tail of this article, try not judging me. A few times, to understand exact meaning of things around is not all that you can do.